More Than Ever

November 22, 2008

There are only a few people (my age) I personally know who are on their way to living their dreams. As far as I can gather, it wasn’t an easy ride. There is something about Dreams—the more you want it, the harder it is to get. Twenty years old is a good age to start doing the things you love. It’s better if you’re far away from the starting point.

 

I wasted four years living up to expectations and taking the most convenient way. I thought that Law is the best option for me, because I know that it’s a profession that suits my intellect and personality and would give me a lot of opportunities to earn. Eventually I lost interest in Law because studying Political Science was not as inspiring as I hoped. It just wasn’t the thing for me—period. I don’t have a sense of justice, a reverence for the law, nor do I care much about other people’s problems. If I just do it for the money and the success, who am I kidding? I must love what I do, otherwise my life wouldn’t mean a pile of shit.

 

I take pride in the fact that I know exactly what I want and being a  lawyer is not one of these things, not anymore.

 

So this is what I’m telling myself: after I graduate, I will pursue what I love doing the most. I’m not courageous or stupid enough to run after it and leave everything behind. This just means that every step I take will bring me closer to my goal. I know exactly what I want and I have an idea of what I to do to get it.

Conversations With Mama

November 13, 2008

My mom is a real character. As we were commuting to the dentist, she pointed at a cemetery I’ve never noticed before (we don’t pass here often since I mostly go north while this is south of Cavite) and the following conversation ensued:

 

Mama: Bumili ako ng lote diyan sa sementeryo para dun mo ako ilibing pag namatay ako.

Me: Wow talaga? Magkano?

Mama: Forty thousand.

Me: Mahal naman! Kaya lang para kang nagtatapon ng pera.

Mama: Bakit naman? Buti nga niyan pag namatay kami ng tatay mo wala ka nang aasikasuhin.

Me: Eh pag namatay ka ipapa-cremate kita no. Aanhin mo pa yan?

Mama: Ayoko magpa-cremate.

Me: Wala ka nang magagawa. Basta, wag kang mag-alala, ibibili kita ng magadang banga tapos ilalagay kita sa kwarto ko. Para habang-buhay tayo magkasama. (Corny!)

Mama: (Ignores me. She does that when she thinks I’m talking nonense. But I actually AM serious. So.)

 

—

We were in a college’s office. My mom was inspecting my brother’s biodata for his OJT, which she lovingly typed out.

 

Me: (looks intently at the paper) Grabe, may gumagamit pa pala ng typewriter!

Mama: (looks around the office) Asan?

Me: Ikaw.

Mama: Siyempre naman.

Notes: The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood

November 10, 2008

I’m not a huge fan of Margaret Atwood. She’s uses pretty words, I like how they melt together like welded steel and goes straight to, I don’t know, the gut. But sometimes its overdone. You can’t make that many attempts at hit and miss humor and not desensitize the reader. Still, I like her in general—she’s morbidly descriptive, or descriptively morbid in turns. The stuff she writes are so real that they stop becoming real; I mean, you know that these things happen (say, a girlhood friendship or the betrayal of a spouse) but you’ve never really thought of them happening like that. I have four books from her: Bluebeard’s Egg, Wilderness Stories, Cat’s Eye and The Robber Bride. 

 

I didn’t finish Cat’s Eye. I wasn’t in the mood for long winding stories with conflict that is murky at best, and sad. I’ll try to read it someday though if I can find it.

  (more…)

The End of A Dream

November 7, 2008

In five months, I should be graduating. It’s not a huge secret that I am not in love with my course. On my best days, I view it as a slightly interesting thing to do, a pleasant way to use my brain and feel indignant about all the wrong things in the world and theoretically solve them in three thousand words, Times New Roman, size 12, one-inch margin on all sides. On my bad days, I find it unbearably boring. I mentally flagellate myself for choosing such a useless course (it is useless because I don’t plan to use it in the future), for thinking that it didn’t have any math in it (I’ve taken twelve units of economics, six of algebra, and three of statistics), and for wanting to be a lawyer four years ago.

 

So, in five months, I should be graduating. You can’t possibly imagine just how relieved I am. And you can’t possibly imagine what I want to do after. 

 

(Actually, you can. Lol.)

 

(Also, this was supposed to be a Deeply Introspective Post on what I learned in UP, how I have changed because of this unique education, what I like and dislike about myself after the experience—all the cheesy stuff. But I got distracted and one thing led to another which made me lose my mood. Give it a couple of months, I’ll get back to you with my Deeply Introspective Post.)