An Unnecessary and Long-Winded Explanation

I am trying to find a way on how to broach this properly, without sounding pathetic and too revealing. So, I have decided that I will say this in a long-winded, but straighforward way, in a manner that will hopefully make sense to only both of us. I’m not sure if you’re reading this or if you will, but I am not doing this for you. It always feels a little better to say it out loud, that’s all. 

I very rarely honestly regret the decisions I make. This is mostly because by the time I realize that I did something wrong (wrong, usually meaning, something that has hurt me or my interests), I would do my best to set it right and I would usually succeed. I can be very determined when I want to and nothing is a better motivator than pain. Happiness makes people soft, pliable. Pain is more useful to survival. But there are subtle undertones to pain, which can incapacitate its capability to motivate a person to get rid of it.

Right now I can only think of three things that I honestly regret in the past twenty years. One of them involves you. You see, I have never met anyone like you. We are so alike, but so different that we end up being alike anyway. It’s hard to explain but I trust you understand. We are always thinking in the same level that we would wear almost the same clothes sometimes. It was strange how we met, and how we both liked the color green, and how I never expected that I would care so much about you and you about me. It’s embarrassing to talk about that now, really, but it’s been so long. I am smiling as I remember.

I have tried to help you and protect you the best way I knew how. Maybe at some point you looked up to me. Me, I thought you were very talented and capable of doing and being anything, which I envied. But in the same way that Frodo gets the ring, Harry gets the letter, Jed meets a wizard, Paul’s father dies, and Luke gets the MPEG (ok, you won’t get this if you don’t watch Family Guy), things change. Decisions are made. Relationships are transformed. After the mayhem comes the time when you make more decisions on how to clean up your old decisions.

In this case I made the wrong-post mayhem decisions.I could have handled it better, and believe me, I cried and thought about it everyday after the break with you happened. Later on I was more reasonable about it and just tried to forget it. I just wanted it to go away. I could have handled it better, but I was too affected about your rejection of who I have become. It’s done. I didn’t like the feeling of being rejected, and I equally did not like betraying you. I didn’t think it was possible.

I guess I haven’t said this properly but, I am sorry for everything. I know it’s pretty late for this sort of thing but whenever I see you I wish we could patch things up and be how we used to be together. I want to make the first move but, well, it’s awkward. I don’t know how to do it and I don’t know if it’s something you’d still appreciate.

We are never good at trying.