Loser Tips

Always wondered why you never get the girl you like? Why when you actually get close, it turns out that she likes someone else and that if she likes you for anything, it’s for listening to her rants? Classic. I’m sure that this sort of thing has happened to you before and will probably happen again if you don’t stop being a fucking loser.

Here’s a list of what girls dig and what they don’t.

1. Know-it-all sons of bitches. Believe me, being well-informed and showing it is not the best way to impress a girl. How about just shutting up and listening to what she has to say? Yes, even if what she has to say is bull or boring. You chose the girl. Live with it if her conversation skills are less attractive than Final Fantasy IX’s Queen Brahnne. 

Her conversation skills

2. Well-dressed guys are more interesting to look at, to say the least. You don’t have to dress fancy, just make sure your clothes aren’t too baggy, too scuffed, too dirty, or bleh, too smelly. Good grooming is always a plus.

No, don’t even think about it.

3. Call her, for chrissakes. Phone services come cheap nowadays. There’s chatting and texting, of course, but it’s not the same as hearing your erm, handsome voice. Do you believe that? That worse-looking guys usually have the nicest voice? I actually do. So if you’re not as handsome as your voice, take a bloody advantage. She might even forget how you look.

4.  Stop being so godawfully nice. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t say yes to everything. This will prevent you from being relegated to the unsatisfying role of the bestfriend-never-boyfriend. However, choose your battles. If she asks you to do something you know you really don’t need to do, bail out. Sure you want to be with her every moment of your breath (and such), but come on, it won’t squeeze your balls to be away for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, unfortunately. 

5. Retain an aura of mystique. Don’t tell her everything about you down to the stuffed toy given to you by your Lola when you were three. When she asks you an intimate question, a smile can do wonders a big flapping mouth can’t. I know you want to let her know just how honest, sensitive, caring, and lovable you are by baring your soul to her sparkling eyes, but jeez. Things don’t work that way anymore. Girls love mysterious boys. We want to be kept guessing and wondering and excited. Take a cue from Haruko and her feelings for Rukawa.

Oooh, so dreamy.

6. Don’t be clingy. We like to be needed, but not all the time. "Space" is the keyword here. 

There’s more, of course, but I don’t feel the need to tell you everything. You probably know these things anyway. If you do this and she still doesn’t like you that way, she probably never will. You know the drill. Buy a blade from your local sari-sari store, play some emo junk (like The Used, Secondhand Serenade or Dashboard Confessionals) and pretend to kill yourself. Para mapansin ka naman.